Am I being punked?

…or just harassed?

…or maybe this lady’s just lonely, clinging to the only person who’s given her attention this month. To her, I’m just a faceless eBay seller. So WTF?

All I know for sure is that I’ve received 21 messages from this person over a $12 item, a little plant we are calling Fred.

Here’s Fred:

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He has to be the most messaged-about crested graptoveria IN ALL THE LAND.

Communications from the dread mellificent started with an innocuous request for details. What size was Fred exactly? Could she get more photos?

I wanted to make the sale. I sent photos and details. And thus were the dark portals to hell opened.

Could she get a side view? Sure. Did Fred come from a plant that produced both crests and rosettes?

Note, I was already exhausted by this interaction at this point. I tolerate people pretty well, I think, but in small doses, please! Three messages from this one had maxed me out.

It kept going.

Message 4:

So cool, and beautiful!! Thanks for all the pictures, and info. About how tall is #1 (the greener, dinosaur looking one)? I cant remember if you said they are rooted or not.

I had already given her a photo with a tape measure in it for reference. Had already told her the plant was rooted. This was also in my item description. Ire flared. But I wanted to make the sale, so I responded AGAIN.

Message 5:

Yay for plant mutation!

I softened. I love plants. I tolerate plant-lovers quite well. She just wanted to talk plants! Surely she wasn’t *pure* evil.

But then, messages 6 through 11: a blur of repetition, wheel-spinning, and requests for general plant advice:

Fred would be put in a pot (no yard, just a landing overcrowded by succulents – would that be okay? Would direct morning sun, and afternoon shade be okay, or would he need more shade than sun?

I’m not sure why someone with a landing overcrowded with succulents would need to ask any further questions, but…

What size pot do you think the 5 inch one would need? What does sunburn look like?

Freds can grow solely indoors?

and…

My dentist says I’m like a kid, because I ask so many questions!

I say she’s like an asshole, because WHO NEEDS TO ASK ANY OF THESE QUESTIONS? This was message 12:

Last question (for now) I promise: if you accept my offer, can I contact you to ask about caring for Fred after (if ) I get him?

I hope you feel the feels I was feeling. I honestly considered blocking her right then and there. But I wanted to make the sale.

I made the sale, and oh how the questions rolled in.

Will he be kept in soil until you ship him?

He isn’t very crooked is he/how crooked is he?

This is after multiple photos being sent.

The package is in Santa Clarita according to the tracking, so I might receive him tomorrow, and definitely by Friday. When Fred gets here, I imagine I put 1-2 inches of his “trunk” under the soil line, or ? Do I water him right away? If so, how much at first, and then how often and much after that? Do I keep him indoors for a few days, or put him outside 24/7 right away?

At this point I wondered which of my friends was punking me, cuz ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?

Some messages I fantasized about sending to mellificent:

Do I wipe front to back, or ?

Do I breathe in, then out, or ?

Do I avoid your messages by offing myself with a gun, a blade, a rope, or ?

But actually what I did was stop responding. The messages kept a-rolling in.

Oh, and I think I mentioned the temp down here. The coolest it’s been, and will be for the “summer” is in the low 90’s, and it’s frequently been, and will be in the triple digits, so I don’t know if that will change your answers.

and…

Also, what do I do with the root ball as far as planting it. I’m reading not to stick the trunk under the soil, but this: Dig holes or beds wide, not deep.
Keep the root ball intact.
Plant level with surrounding soil, spreading roots outward.
Fill around roots with native soil.

What do you suggest?

and…

Now I just read something that said not to water for a few weeks ..totally confused.

I sent one last reply, this morning. (I fervently hope it will be my last.) I encouraged her to seek local help, gave brief advice on planting Fred, and closed with “Good luck and enjoy!”

…ENJOY THE SILENCE, YOU CRAZE-BALLS NIGHTMARE!

Of course I got another message:

…there is literally dirt all over my floor, and he was very difficult to get out of the box. If you would, please let me know what to do with him now, re his root ball, and watering, etc. I’d appreciate it.

There will be no response from me, unless she dares to give me negative feedback, in which case my response will be the link to this post.

Here’s a photo of Fred’s beautiful mother!

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